Empathetic Listening vs. Dismissive Listening: Why the Difference Matters for Mental Health
When someone we care about is hurting, our instinct is often to do something — offer solutions, cheer them up, or try to help them “move past” what’s wrong. While these intentions usually come from a place of love, they can sometimes backfire. The way we listen can either deepen connection and emotional safety, or it can unintentionally make someone feel unheard and alone.
Two common styles of responding — empathetic listening and dismissive listening — can look similar on the surface but feel completely different to the person sharing. Let’s unpack what each one looks like, why they matter, and how to shift toward empathy.
What is Empathetic Listening?
Empathetic listening is the practice of being fully present with another person’s experience without rushing to fix, judge, or change it. It’s essentially saying, “I want to sit in this with you.”
When we listen empathetically, we:
Focus on understanding feelings, not just facts.
Stay curious instead of assuming we already know what’s going on.
Reflect back what we hear to ensure we’ve understood.
Validate the person’s emotions, even if we don’t agree with their perspective.
An empathetic listener doesn’t view emotions as problems to be solved — they see them as signals to be understood. This type of listening allows the speaker to feel safe enough to explore their feelings more deeply, often leading to their own insights and solutions.
Example:
Friend: “I’m so anxious about work lately. I feel like I’m failing.”
Empathetic listening: “That sounds really overwhelming. It makes sense you’d feel that way with so much pressure.”
In this example, the listener is not trying to erase the anxiety or prove the person wrong — they’re simply acknowledging the weight of the experience.
What is Dismissive Listening?
Dismissive listening often comes from good intentions but focuses on removing or minimizing the feelings being shared. It’s the “I want to fix this and make it go away” approach.
When we listen dismissively, we might:
Offer quick solutions without fully understanding the problem.
Downplay the other person’s emotions (“It’s not that bad” or “You’ll be fine”).
Change the subject when the conversation feels heavy.
Try to convince the person to see the “bright side” right away.
While dismissive listening may be meant to comfort, it can leave the speaker feeling invalidated, as if their emotions are inconvenient or too much.
Example:
Friend: “I’m so anxious about work lately. I feel like I’m failing.”
Dismissive listening: “Oh, you’re doing fine! Just focus on the positives — worrying won’t help.”
Here, the listener is trying to help the friend feel better, but the message underneath is: “Your feelings aren’t necessary — let’s skip past them.” This can create distance instead of closeness.
Why This Distinction Matters for Mental Health
The difference between empathetic and dismissive listening isn’t just about communication style — it impacts emotional well-being.
When we experience empathetic listening:
We feel seen and understood.
We’re more likely to open up in the future.
We gain clarity by processing our feelings out loud.
We develop a sense of trust and belonging.
When we experience dismissive listening:
We may shut down emotionally.
We might question whether our feelings are valid.
We may stop seeking support from that person.
We can feel lonelier, even in the presence of others.
For people struggling with anxiety, depression, grief, trauma, or other mental health challenges, feeling dismissed — even unintentionally — can intensify feelings of isolation.
Why We Default to “Fixing” Instead of “Sitting With”
Many of us have been taught to value problem-solving over emotional presence. Society often rewards action and efficiency, which can make slowing down to simply be with someone feel uncomfortable or even unhelpful.
We might also default to fixing because:
We feel helpless and want to regain a sense of control.
We’re uncomfortable with intense emotions — our own or others’.
We’ve learned (often from family or culture) that feelings should be minimized or avoided.
We care deeply, and fixing feels like the quickest way to reduce someone’s pain.
Understanding these patterns helps us recognize that dismissive listening is usually not malicious — it’s a habit we can change.
How to Practice Empathetic Listening
If you want to shift toward “I want to sit in this with you” instead of “I want to fix this and make it go away,” try these approaches:
Pause Before Responding
Resist the urge to jump in with solutions.
Give yourself a breath to focus on what’s being said.
Reflect Back
Paraphrase what you’ve heard to confirm understanding.
Example: “It sounds like you’re feeling really drained after that meeting.”
Validate Feelings
Acknowledge the emotion as legitimate, even if you would feel differently.
Example: “I can see why that would be frustrating.”
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Encourage exploration instead of rushing to conclusions.
Example: “What part of this feels hardest for you right now?”
Stay Present
Maintain eye contact, nod, and avoid distractions.
Let your body language say, “I’m here with you.”
Accept Silence
Sometimes sitting quietly together is the most supportive thing you can do.
A Shift in Mindset
Empathetic listening doesn’t mean we never offer advice or help — it means we first make sure the other person feels understood. Often, when people feel heard and validated, they’re more open to brainstorming solutions. In fact, they may come up with their own answers once the emotional weight is acknowledged.
The shift is subtle but powerful:
From “How do I make this go away?” → To “How do I make sure you don’t feel alone in this?”
From “This is uncomfortable for me.” → To “This is important for you, so I can handle my discomfort.”
Final Thoughts
Listening is more than hearing words — it’s about creating emotional space where another person can feel safe, seen, and supported. Empathetic listening is a gift we can all learn to give, one that deepens relationships and supports mental health. Dismissive listening may be common, but with awareness and practice, we can choose to sit with someone in their feelings instead of rushing to sweep them away.
Because sometimes, the most healing thing you can say isn’t, “Here’s how to fix it,” but rather, “I’m here. You’re not alone.”
If you are struggling on how to best support your relationships, please don’t hesitate to reach out! We are happy to help support you through how to best be there for those important to you through the weight of everyday life!