Learning to Live After Loss: What Grief Taught Me About Heartbreak and Healing.

When my mom passed away in October, years ago, I was legally an adult, emotionally raw and completely unprepared. Until then, I thought “heartbreak” was something that only came from romantic loss — crying in your car to sad music over a crush who didn’t text back. But losing my mom taught me that heartbreak can also come from something much deeper: the absence of someone who helped shape your entire world.

That loss was my first crash course in grief. And let me tell you — grief doesn’t come with a syllabus, a roadmap, or even decent office hours. It’s messy, unpredictable, and entirely human. Over time (and many therapy sessions later), I learned that grief isn’t something we “get over.” It’s something we learn to live with — like an old injury that flares up when it rains.

In this post, I want to share what grief has taught me — both as a therapist and as a daughter who had to figure out how to keep living after losing one of the most important people in her world.

Grief Is More Than Just Sadness

When people think of grief, the first word that comes to mind is usually sadness. And yes, sadness is absolutely a part of it — but it’s only one note in a very complicated symphony.

Grief can feel like anger — a fiery, directionless rage at the universe, at fate, or at the unfairness of it all. It can feel like guilt — a quiet, nagging voice whispering “you should’ve done more,” even when you know you did your best. It can feel like denial — an instinctive “this can’t be real” as your brain tries to protect you from the unbearable truth. And eventually, on good days, it can even feel like acceptance — not a happy ending, but a gentle acknowledgment that your person is gone, and somehow, you’re still here.

As a therapist, I see this emotional rollercoaster every day. As a human being, I still ride it myself. Some mornings I wake up missing my mom so fiercely it catches me off guard, even after all these years. Other days, I smile because I can hear her laugh in my own — a reminder that love doesn’t disappear with death; it just changes form.

The Myth of “Moving On”

People often talk about “moving on” after loss, but here’s the truth: we don’t move on, we move forward. There’s a big difference.

“Moving on” suggests leaving something behind — like packing up a box labeled Grief Stuff and tucking it neatly on a shelf. But “moving forward” means bringing your grief with you as you keep living. It means learning to make dinner without calling your mom for the recipe, or laughing again without feeling like you’re betraying her memory.

Grief becomes part of your story — not the whole story, but an important chapter that shapes who you are and how you love.

What Grief Has Taught Me (and My Clients)

Over the years, both in my personal healing and in my work as a therapist, I’ve learned a few things about navigating grief that I wish someone had told me back then. So, here are my best real-life, compassion- fueled tips for anyone walking through loss:

1. You’re Not Doing It Wrong

Grief doesn’t follow a straight line. You might feel okay one day and shattered the next — that’s normal. The stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) aren’t a checklist to complete. They’re more like emotional weather patterns that come and go.

You’re not “failing” at grief because you laughed at a meme today or because you cried at a random commercial. You’re just being human.

2. Let Yourself Feel the Full Range

Sometimes grief surprises you — not just with sadness, but with moments of lightness too. A memory that makes you laugh, a funny story your loved one would’ve enjoyed, or a small inside joke you still tell yourself. Those moments don’t mean you’re forgetting. They mean your heart is stretching to hold both pain and joy at the same time.

Let yourself feel it all. Laughter and tears can coexist. In fact, they often do.

3. Make Space for the Tough Emotions

Anger, guilt, resentment — they’re all part of the package deal. Sometimes you might even feel angry at the person you lost, which can be confusing and painful. That’s okay. Anger is often just love with nowhere to go.

Instead of shoving those feelings down, give them space. Write them out. Yell in the car. Talk to someone who gets it. Your emotions don’t need to make sense to be valid.

4. Find Connection (Even When You Want to Hide)

Grief can be isolating. You might feel like no one understands — and honestly, they might not, at least not completely. But there’s healing power in being witnessed.

Whether it’s therapy, a support group, or a trusted friend who will just sit in the silence with you, connection is one of the best antidotes to despair. You don’t have to carry your grief alone.

5. Create Rituals of Remembering

Rituals can help you maintain connection with the person you lost. Maybe it’s lighting a candle on their birthday, cooking their favorite meal, or telling their stories to people who never got to meet them.

Each year in October, I do something small to honor my mom — sometimes it’s reminiscing with my sister, sometimes it’s just playing her favorite songs and letting myself feel everything. These rituals remind me that grief isn’t just about loss — it’s about love that continues.

6. Accept That Healing Doesn’t Mean Forgetting

Acceptance doesn’t mean you’re “over it.” It means you’ve stopped fighting the reality of what happened. It’s the gentle, steady work of learning to live alongside your grief.

Healing isn’t about erasing pain — it’s about building a life big enough to hold both the pain and the joy. Some days, that balance feels impossible. Other days, it sneaks up on you in the form of peace you didn’t expect.

Growing Around the Loss

There’s a beautiful concept called the “ball in the box” theory of grief. Imagine your pain as a big ball inside a small box. In the beginning, the ball is so big it constantly hits the sides — you can’t move without feeling it. But over time, the box (your life) grows. The ball doesn’t shrink much, but it bumps the sides less often. When it does, it still hurts — but there’s more space around it now.

That’s what healing looks like. The loss doesn’t disappear, but your world expands around it.

Closing Thoughts: Living, Remembering, and Continuing On

If you’re grieving, know this: there’s no timeline, no right way, and no finish line. Grief changes us — sometimes it softens us, sometimes it sharpens us, but it always teaches us about love.

For me, losing my mom cracked my heart open — and in that space, I’ve found room for compassion, resilience, and deep understanding. I still miss her every day, but I’ve learned to live a life she’d be proud of — one that’s full of laughter, connection, and purpose.

Grief doesn’t mean your story is over. It just means you’ve loved deeply — and that love is still doing its work.

So go easy on yourself. Cry if you need to. Smile when you can. And remember: even in the middle of heartbreak, you are growing around your loss. That is what resilience looks like.

If you are struggling with grief from losing a loved one please don’t hesitate to reach out! We are happy to help support you through your grieving journey!