Getting to the Heart of Anger in Relationships!

Let’s be honest—anger is one of those emotions that shows up often, especially in romantic relationships. Maybe it pops up during an argument, or when you feel hurt, ignored, or disrespected. But here’s the thing: anger is rarely the full story. More often than not, it’s covering up something deeper—like sadness, fear, frustration, or insecurity.

When we start to understand what’s really going on beneath the anger, it becomes easier to talk about what we’re feeling and avoid the blowups that can push us further apart. One really helpful tool for doing this is the use of “I feel” statements—also called a “gentle startup,” a concept from relationship experts John and Julie Gottman. This simple approach helps turn conflict into connection.

Why We Get Angry: The Protective Emotion

Anger can feel powerful. It gives us a sense of control, especially when we’re feeling vulnerable. But in most cases, it’s acting like a shield—protecting softer emotions we might not feel as comfortable expressing.

For example, imagine your partner forgets to pick up groceries after you reminded them. You might immediately snap, “You never listen to me!” But if you pause and dig a little deeper, what’s really going on? Maybe you feel unimportant or like your needs aren’t being valued. That’s the true root of your reaction—and talking about that is what really helps.

Enter the “I Feel” Statement

The way we start a conversation can completely change how it goes. If we begin with blame, the other person is likely to get defensive. But when we lead with how we feel, the tone softens. That’s where “I feel” statements come in.

Instead of:
“You never listen to me!”
Try:
“I feel unheard when we talk, and that makes me frustrated.”

See the difference? You’re not attacking—you’re sharing. This approach makes it easier for your partner to hear you and respond with empathy rather than defensiveness.

Why It Works

• It lowers defensiveness: When you talk about your own feelings instead of blaming your partner, they’re more likely to listen without putting their guard up.

• It opens the door to vulnerability: Anger is often a mask. Expressing what’s underneath builds deeper emotional intimacy.

• It creates understanding: When you both focus on how you feel, it’s easier to understand each other’s emotional world.

• It leads to solutions: Clear, calm emotional communication helps you move past  finger-pointing and toward fixing the actual problem.

Real-Life Examples

Scenario 1: The Forgotten Date Night

Old way:
“You never remember our date nights! You don’t care about me.”

New way:
“I feel hurt and overlooked when we miss our date nights. I really look forward to that time with you.”

Now the conversation is about feelings, not failures—and your partner is more likely to respond with care instead of defensiveness.

Scenario 2: Not Feeling Heard

Old way:
“You never listen to me!”

New way:
“I feel ignored when I’m talking and it seems like you’re not really hearing me. That makes me feel unimportant.”

This invites your partner into the conversation and shows them why it matters—without making them feel attacked.

Final Thoughts

Anger isn’t the enemy—it’s just the messenger. It’s often pointing to something deeper that needs attention. By slowing down, tuning into what we’re really feeling, and using “I feel” statements to communicate, we can shift from conflict to connection.

It’s not always easy, especially in the heat of the moment, but it is powerful. Small changes in how we speak can lead to big changes in how we relate—and that’s what builds strong, lasting relationships.

If anger continues to be an issue in your relationships, we are here to help. Don’t wait, schedule your appointment today.