It Was Never Just About The Dishes!
Most couples aren't fighting about dishes. They're fighting for connection, safety, and the feeling that they matter.
In this Therapy Moment, Mariana Torres, ALMFT explains why small moments escalate into big conflicts and what is actually happening underneath. Using attachment research and Dr. John Gottman's work on shared meaning, Mariana walks through how couples get stuck in pursue-withdraw cycles and how shifting from blame to curiosity can break the pattern.
Mariana Torres, ALMFT discussing why couples keep having the same fight — couples therapy at Solid Foundations Therapy in Downers Grove, IL
At Solid Foundations Therapy, we help couples identify the cycle beneath the conflict and build the skills to actually change it. Our therapists are directive and goal-oriented and you will leave every session with something concrete to practice, not just insight to sit with.
We offer couples therapy in Downers Grove, IL and throughout Illinois via telehealth, and accept BCBS PPO and Choice insurance.
Ready to stop going in circles? Call 630-633-8532 or visit solidfoundationstherapy.com to schedule your first appointment.
Transcript: Hi, I'm Mariana Torres from Solid Foundations Therapy, and I'm here with this month's therapy tip.
I want to talk about something I see constantly in couples therapy — and I'm calling it "It's Never Just About the Dishes." Because it never really is.
If you've ever found yourself in the same argument over and over, starting small and suddenly feeling enormous, this might be why.
In couples therapy, I often see partners who think they are arguing about what happened. But in reality, they are reacting to what it means to them. On the surface it looks like dishes in the sink, a chore not done, someone not following through. One partner says "you never help me." The other says "that's not true." And a small moment turns into emotional distance.
But underneath that exchange, one partner may actually be saying: I feel alone. I feel overwhelmed. I don't feel supported. While the other is hearing: I'm not enough. I'm failing.
The same situation is happening, but two very different meanings are being created. And that is where conflict really lives in relationships. We don't just react to behavior. We react to the meaning we assign to it. A sink full of dishes might mean "I'm carrying everything alone." Being confronted might mean "I am not enough." Once that meaning gets activated, emotions follow quickly — anger, withdrawal, defensiveness, or shutting down. Couples get stuck in a cycle where one partner pursues and the other withdraws.
One intervention I use in sessions is slowing couples down and separating what happened from what it meant. I ask: what did that moment mean to you? What story did you tell yourself? I also help clients shift from blame to curiosity. Instead of "you never help," try "when the dishes are left, I start feeling alone — what was happening for you?" Notice how that shifts the entire approach.
Research on attachment and Dr. John Gottman's work both show that couples who create shared meaning and emotional understanding are more likely to stay connected. Shared meaning turns "you versus me" into "us versus the cycle." And when couples start to unpack what a situation really means, they often discover they are feeling the same things — just expressing them differently.
At the end of the day, most couples aren't fighting about dishes. They are fighting for connection, for safety, for feeling that they matter. The next time you find yourself in that argument, pause and ask: what is this really about for me? And what might it be about for my partner?
Because it is never just about the dishes. It is about what we are really needing from each other underneath that cycle.