How to Actually Resolve a Conflict: The 4-Option Method for Couples

Talking through a conflict is only half the work. The other half is figuring out what both partners will do differently next time.

In this Therapy Moment, Robyn Ashbaugh, LMFT shares her favorite conflict resolution tool: a four-option framework that gives couples a clear, structured way to close out a difficult conversation. Each partner identifies one thing they could do differently and one thing they need from their partner, creating four concrete options for handling a similar situation more productively in the future.

This approach does two things simultaneously. It builds self-awareness around each partner’s role in the conflict cycle, and it demonstrates the kind of intentionality that reassures both people that the relationship is actively being worked on.

Robin, LMFT teaching the four-option conflict resolution method for couples, Solid Foundations Therapy in Downers Grove, IL

At Solid Foundations Therapy, we teach practical, skills-based tools like this one to help couples in Downers Grove, IL and throughout Illinois break recurring conflict patterns and build stronger communication. Sessions are directive and goal-oriented, giving you something concrete to practice before you come back.

Ready to break your conflict cycle? Call 630-633-8532 or visit solidfoundationstherapy.com to schedule your first appointment.

transcript:

Hi everyone, welcome to our monthly therapy tip. I’m Robin, and today I want to talk about my favorite part of conflict resolution.

When I work with couples on resolving a conflict, I always start by having both partners share their perspectives so each person feels heard and understood. That part is essential. But what I want to focus on today is what comes after that — the part that actually prevents the same conflict from happening again.

Here is the framework I use.

After both partners have shared their side, I ask each of them to identify two things:

One thing I could do differently if a similar situation comes up in the future.
One thing I need my partner to do differently in that same situation.

That gives the couple four total options — four concrete, specific changes that could make a similar situation more productive and far less likely to escalate into another conflict.

What I love about this approach is what it communicates beyond the practical tools. When both partners complete this exercise, it shows intentionality. It shows that each person is willing to look honestly at their own role in the conflict, take accountability for it, and think about what their partner actually needs. It also builds awareness of the couple’s specific conflict cycle — which patterns escalate things, which behaviors make the other person shut down, and what each person can do to interrupt the cycle before it takes over.

That combination of accountability and awareness is something I find deeply reassuring to the couples I work with. It shifts the conversation from “you did this wrong” to “here is how we both show up differently next time.”

Try it after your next difficult conversation and see how it changes the dynamic.